Seattle, Washington Oh, Great White North, I Hear Your Mighty Call

I get a lot of email from Canadians asking me to dance in their homeland — 15 in the last week to be exact. I seem to have offended them.

I apologize to all of you in the great state of Canadia. Please understand that I have every intention of visiting soon. I haven’t yet managed a prolonged stay, largely because you are not on the way to anywhere…except the North Pole…and Siberia. I recognize that you have many many beautiful things to see and dance in front of, as well as several fine cities worth exploring. And you have a place called Saskatoon, which is pretty much all it takes to get me interested.

I’d also like to compliment your progressive social agenda and fine health care system. You’re a bittersweet reminder of what my country could be like if we weren’t a bunch of terrified, gun-crazy weirdos.

…kidding about that…

I have no desire to be hated by Canadians the way they hate me in Guam.

I ultimately decided that having death wished upon me by the inhabitants of a tiny island in the exact, geographical middle of nowhere isn’t such a bad thing. It builds character. But in this case, there is no vast body of water for me to hide behind. I am easily accessible to Canadians, and what with their reputation as a fiery and vengeful people, I know I must choose my words and actions carefully.

I recently discovered I’ve now got my very own Wikipedia entry. I am a stitch in the great tapestry of history that also includes this guy, this guy, this guy, and of course, this guy.

I’ve been watching with great interest as my mini-biography is shaped by random contributors. The initial entry was concise and fairly unbiased. Subsequent alterations have varied from irritating to chillingly well-researched to embarrassing. Yes, the open-source encyclopedia concept is a double-edged sword.

I confess I made a tiny editing pass to clarify a few dates. I’ll try to restrain myself from now on, as I find it unbecoming, but I hope you can sympathize with how alarming it is to watch strangers tinker around all willy-nilly with the details of my existence.

This post will no-doubt prompt more of that, so don’t be surprised if the above link leads to a summarization that is less-than-Brittanica-esque.

In discovering myself on Wiki, I was also alerted to the dire circumstances of my internet-video-making brethren. Our track record is about on par with former child actors, with results such as abject humiliation and even, tragically, institutionalization.

There are some key differences that set me apart, though. For one thing, I’m a lot older than those guys, so being globally mocked for my lack of dancing ability isn’t quite as devastating. For another, my video doesn’t elicit the same, "That guy is an idiot!" reaction. What I get is more like, "I’m really jealous of that idiot!" — which is easier to cope with.

I’m getting on a plane in a few hours. I can’t say much about where I’m going or what I’m up to, but I’m very excited about it. There are definitely upsides to all this attention. So far I’ve managed to ride the wave and avoid letting it crash on my head, knock me unconscious, poke me in the eye with my own surf board, and fill my nether regions with sand.

…I like to see my metaphors through to their conclusion.

18 Responses to Seattle, Washington Oh, Great White North, I Hear Your Mighty Call

  1. john

    Although I am sure that you are not completely ignorant and that you may be trying to be funny. I would like to point out that Canada is not a state. We are a unique country. And although as fun loving Canadians we are not allowed to hate anyone but Americans we are most defintely looking forward to having you dance here.

  2. Jaymie

    I tried emailing this to you 😀
    Your right i am jealous of this idiot…i say that in the most sincere way possible

    Do you ever get random emails
    that don’t really have a point other than to know if she can continue sending silly emails

    My friends think i’m funny when i email them

    I could email you while i’m in class too
    because sometimes i get bored in class and i don’t know what website to look at
    well now i will look here
    but i just wanted to know if i could email you too

    from Abbotsford, BC, Canada That’s the huntingdon border
    And why haven’t you gone to canada and danced, eh!!!

  3. Blaze

    well well!
    lookie here.. i’ve stumbled across an intriguing site! i love the dancing factor..then i went to the FAQ page which led me to wondering why you haven’t danced in Canada…
    which led me to THIS post in which you mention the city I live in.
    come dance here sometime haha, that’s awesome that you at least recognize a seemingly unknown city in the country that you seem to want to offend. 😉

  4. Albert

    Dude! When you do come to Canada,you’re gunna have to make a choice. Which one of our many beautiful backdrops will you dance in front of?…but come some times between april and october when its not too cold

  5. Chris

    For the guy who said that Canada is not a state, I think you are mistaken.

    State (e.g. the State of Jordan, the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations) is origianally another term for country, as is “Commonwealth” (e.g., the Commonwealth of Australia, the Commonwealth of Kentucky) or “Republic” (e.g. the Republic of Korea, the Republic of Texas).

    If you had finished high school in America, you should have been taught that each State in the united States (capialization intended—that’s how it is in the beginning of the Constitution) was originally just that, a sovereign State that gave up some sovereignty to a untied government, similar to the European Union (not sure if they cover this in the Dominion of Canada). As time went on, it became more centralized, but it wasn’t until after the Civil War that States were relugated to mere provences, although they’re still technically sovereign states. Nevertheless, the name of this country is “America,” “United States” refers to the fact that it is comprised of states. Canada is a state. Texas is a state. The nation of America is a [are] Untied States. It doesn’t mean we’re better, just different. And we’re not alone (e.g., Untied States of Mexico (yes, that is its official name), United Federated States of Brazil).

    Honest mistake I’m sure. As a fun loving Canadian, I hope you take this in stride.

  6. JDM

    I enjoyed your video and you have a great sense of humor. But, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, have you ever heard of Adderall?

  7. Hello Matt,
    i just stumbled across your video on, and it was extremely interesting. As a person who also enjoys world travel, I’m encouraging you to check out Toronto, Canada. Not only because I’m from there…( obviously that’s a big reason) but also because i’m sure u’d enjoy it. You seem to like experiencing different national cultures, and I’ll have you know, Toronto is one of the world’s most multi-cultural cities. And in my opinion it is where people of all different cultures, backsgrounds, races, religions can live together in harmony and experience diversity. Toronto, is where it’s at! I know you don’t actually HATE Canadians, so I encourage you to check out the best part of Canada.

  8. Zac

    Oh jeez, Saskatoon… *yawn* If you go there, have fun in Saskatchewan, You could let your dog loose and see him run for days. 😛 Land of the boring flat scenery. (Oh yeah, and some of the worst drivers in Canada. You’ll quite easily get run off the road, They constantly drive here through Alberta and pass on solid double lines, cut people off, you name it, they do it,) lol.

    Victoria, BC Is a great place, very beautiful over there. (Don’t get it confused with Vancouver, which is actually on the mainland, Victoria is on the Island.)

    Keep up with your awesome journey! It’s a chance of a lifetime (or a chance for all the rich bastards out there that can do what they want, when they want. 😉 lol)

  9. Yea definatley visit canada.. Great place.. no matter where you go.. even the flat lands of Saskatoon lol

    But don’t forget BC

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