Seattle, Washington A Day of Ill Portent

Myriad omens and harbingers have manifested in recent hours, such as will now be enumerated:

1. Bavarian ski jumper Klaus Von Schlitzberg spontaneously dematerialized moments after this photo was taken.

Historic20skiers_1

All that landed were his skis.

2. Fishermen in the antarctic encountered Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, also known as the colossal squid. It was the largest specimen ever recorded; with eyes the size of dinner plates, razor-sharp hooks at the end of each tentacle pad, and a ravenous beak large enough to consume an entire human head. They immediately issued a statement declaring it to be the most adorable thing you ever saw.

Colossal_squid_ross_ice_shelf

3. The NASA space probe, New Horizons, while performing a Jupiter gavity assist, snapped a photo of Europa’s surface revealing, unmistakably, the winning smile of David Hasselhoff.

Hasselhoff_on_mars

This can only mean one thing. Today is not the day to post the outtakes video.

I have consulted Seattle’s most respected holistic phrenologist and he assures me tomorrow looks much more promising.

Phrenology1

Apologies for the inconvenience.

11 Responses to Seattle, Washington A Day of Ill Portent

  1. Ashley

    Matt, I am very disappointed. I was looking forward to this for days. I guess I can suffer for another long day.

  2. Oh my God I can’t stand it! I’ve been like a little kid waiting for Christmas Day! Don’t give us another date until you’re proof positive Seattle’s most respected holistic phrenologist is right on his/her date.

  3. Irene

    matt

    You are admired, envied, and respected all over the world, keep it that way and go out in flames rather than smoke.

  4. Bill

    Somehow I knew it wouldn’t happen today. Nothing personal, mind you, but I just had a feeling it wasn’t going to work out.

    It wouldn’t surprise if tomorrow didn’t work out, either…

    No matter. I’ll check back and hope for the best. Keep ’em flying, Matt!

  5. egil

    Klaus Von Schlitzberg is obviously a time-traveller. everyone else have been jumping in V-style since the eighties.

  6. stacy

    It’s 11:30 already here in New York. It is cold. It is boring. I must fill my work day with something….WHERE’S THE VIDEO?!
    Please? I will be happy to resort to begging…

  7. PLENTIOUS

    I guess I’ll have to go back to fantasizing over smutty coconuts and trying to find the eyeball on a polka-dotted whale shark.

    If it is any consolation…

    Your being late with the videos can’t be as silly as us sitting in wait of the videos.

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